It was cold and raining, which meant no playing on street-corners. And Erik and Maggie were stuck inside being bored, which meant they were irritating. Mordecai told them not to summon any gods for any reason, and then sequestered himself in his room with his lamp and a novel.
The substance of the universe, or perhaps just Cousin Violet, saw fit to provide him with a familiar quiet knock just a few minutes later. He opened the door slowly, and only a crack, so that Milo could get used to him. “What’s up?”
Milo still had his coat on and was dripping. He offered a card. It was also slightly damp.
Mordecai accepted it and read:
It’s cold outside
And I had to work all day
and walk home in the rain.
I have a sniffoo.
Will you take care of me?
Mordecai glanced up. Instead of looking aside, Milo sniffled. Just the once.
Mordecai held up the card and planted one hand on his hip. “You came home. You went upstairs to write a card. You did not, say, change out of your wet socks or even take your coat off. Instead, you took the time to write the word ‘sniffoo’ — spelled it phonetically! — and then squished your way back downstairs to present it to me. Do I have that about right, Milo?”
Milo nodded.
Mordecai put a hand on his shoulder. “Milo, you must make me a solemn promise right now never to weaponize your cuteness for evil, okay? This is all right, but don’t take over the world.”
Milo nodded.
“Okay.” Mordecai patted him and gently turned him around. “Come into the kitchen where it’s warm and for heaven’s sake take the coat off!”
◈◈◈
Erik and Maggie were on the dining room floor, playing a variant of Xinese Chequers that also involved poker chips and a spite doll. Maggie looked up and said, “What’s going on?”
“Milo has put in a request for a coddling and I don’t have anything better to do,” Mordecai said in passing. “I’ll just have to assume Jane and Frank work things out for themselves…” He paused just outside the kitchen doorway. “You know, a novel where everyone was honest with each other would be about two pages long!”
Milo considered with a frown. I think the dinosaurs still would’ve eaten just about everyone. I mean, they weren’t gonna let Dennis have the embryos… And that place was badly designed!
“That sounds more fun than strip Xinese Chequers,” Erik said.
“What?” said Mordecai.
“Oh, it doesn’t involve gods and I only took one of his stockings!” Maggie said. She lifted her hand and displayed it, dangling from two fingers.
“Come into the kitchen and help me take care of Milo right now,” Mordecai said. “I’ll delegate.”
Erik obediently stood. He was wearing only one shoe and one stocking. He limped into the kitchen.
◈◈◈
Hyacinth, Calliope and Lucy were already in the kitchen with coffee, and the Lu-ambulator glued to the wall. Nevertheless, at the sight of the incoming parade, Hyacinth collected her mug from the table and squeezed up against the counter, making more room. “What are you doing?” she said. “You can’t all want coffee. There’s not enough!”
“We’re bored and Milo volunteered to be a project,” Erik said.
Milo looked back at him with sudden horror. He didn’t think of it like that!
Mordecai snickered. “This is a medical emergency, Hyacinth. Can’t you see the man has a sniffoo?”
Hyacinth smirked. “I’m an unlicensed physician who got eighteen whole months of education at a very prestigious abandoned warehouse, and the technical term for that is ‘the sniffoos.’”
“Well, this is just one. Maybe it’s not very serious.”
“One rogue sniffoo, huh?”
Milo sat at the table and hid his face in his hands. Why do I reach out to people? he thought. This was a terrible idea. I should’ve stayed in the closet with Calliope’s pretty collage.
Calliope put an arm around him and slid the tissue box closer. “Poor guy.” She planted a kiss on his cheek.
He smiled. Oh, yeah, there we go.
“Da-da!” Lucy added.
He gave her a tiny wave and the smile faded unnoticed. He was thinking about how Calliope and Euterpe signing HI looked way happier to see you. Calliope said they were going to work out their own thing and not to be “all judgy” like that, but that just made him feel bad about being judgy too.
Calliope squeezed him. “Rain is pretty but you didn’t have your boots and wet socks are super depressing.”
He nodded with a sigh. Yeah, that’s depressing too. And life. Life is depressing, Calliope, you know?
He slipped out of both shoes under the table and pushed off the socks, setting cold, bare feet on the tile with a wince. He didn’t have slippers. Ann had slippers, but they weren’t really warm, just cute.
No slippers or carpeting falls under the heading of Life, and is still depressing, he thought.
“I’ll throw some more wood in the oven!” Calliope said.
Milo stood up and tried to press her back down with a hand. You don’t have to do that. I’ll do that! Throwing wood in ovens is for boys!
Erik nudged him and held up a finger, “Okay, one, that’s sexist,” he said with a grin. “And two, do you want us to take care of you or not?”
Milo sat down again uncomfortably. He wiped his nose with a tissue.
Calliope placed wood in the oven one careful piece at a time.
“I’ll dry out your clothes!” Maggie said.
Milo rapidly shook his head. She ignored him. The heat was uncomfortable, and the wind pulled his shirt out of his pants, but when he checked himself for burn marks there weren’t any. Also, his socks were dry. He put them back on. He signed THANK YOU at her. She giggled.
“Hyacinth, what happened to the cookies?” Mordecai said.
“They’ve gone to Château LeRoux to see the Emperor, what do you think happened to them? Milo, do you want coffee or tea?”
“Milo likes ginger ale!” Erik said. “I’ll go get some!”
“Wear your coat and take an umbrella,” Mordecai said.
“Like, a working umbrella?” Erik said with a frown.
“I’m a working umbrella,” Maggie said with a grin. Erik grinned too.
Mordecai sighed. “All right, wear your coat and take Maggie with you, but please stay focused on ginger ale and Milo. If you give in to mission creep, he won’t have a ginger ale and we won’t have dinner until late. And for gods’ sakes, do not get yourselves arrested.”
Erik was pulling money out of the glass jar. “Can we get cookies?”
“I’ve got cookies,” Calliope said. “I was hidin’ ‘em ’cos they’re in a metal box.” She regarded Hyacinth. “Also because they’re cookies.”
“I didn’t hear a ‘no,’” Maggie said. She threw Erik’s coat at him and dragged him out the back door before anyone had a chance to say it.
“Coffee, sugar, pills,” Hyacinth said. Milo recoiled. She held up each one, “Paracetamol, antihistamine, and this is a chewable vitamin C like I give to Room 101. They are delicious. They taste like sunshine. The only reason I don’t eat them like candy is because they’re expensive. Come on, it’s shaped like a little cartoon orange wedge!”
Calliope returned with a red tin labelled Grammie’s Old Fashioned Ginger Spice Cookies. “What’s going on?”
“Hyacinth expresses her love with pills and Milo’s not having it,” Mordecai said. He set a plate of peanut butter crackers on the table.
“Hey!” said Hyacinth. “Cold weather is bad for the immune system!”
Calliope sat down and offered the pills. “Come on, Milo. We don’t want that sniffoo to escalate.”
He took all three, with coffee.
“I see you have completely missed the point of the delicious chewable vitamin C,” said Hyacinth. She took one herself, crunching.
Mordecai regarded Milo and sat down, “Calliope, you must also promise me never to use your powers for evil.”
“I don’t make promises I can’t keep,” she said. “Here, Milo, you want one of these?”
“Ma-ma, Ma-ma!” Lucy interjected. “Gi-ee!” She wanted one.
Calliope grinned. “Hang on. Okay, let Mama do the magic.” She took one cookie, showed it to the baby, turned and concealed it against her as she broke it into four pieces. “Wow! Four cookies for Lu! Don’t ask for any more now, okay?”
Lucy giggled and bounced. Calliope counted out each cookie piece on the tray in front of her. “Mama’s going to be so sad when this doesn’t work anymore!”
Milo selected a cookie. They were stacked in neat little piles in the tin, three by four, each cradled in a crinkly paper cup. Calliope seemed to prefer taking one out of each cup and consuming them in even batches of twelve — there were three left in each stack, except the top-left corner, which now had two. Milo moved one space left and continued the series.
They smelled like gingerbread, but they were more pale. They had crunchy sugar dusted on top and a uniform oblong shape which meant “Grammie” was baking with an industrial extruder.
Mmm. Machine-made cookies. He tasted one corner cautiously. Sugar, spice, a little chemical aftertaste just on the back end there…
Mordecai put his half-eaten cookie back on the table, “Oh, that’s that fake vanilla.” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Calliope. I’m spoiled.”
“Too sweet,” Hyacinth opined, although she had finished hers.
“Maybe I can fix them,” Mordecai said.
Milo slid the whole tin towards him and Calliope. He scooted his chair away and put an arm around her. Cookies I like that I don’t have to share except with Lucy and Calliope? They’re not broken, don’t fix them! He gave one to Calliope and took another for himself.
“Milo likes them,” Calliope said with a snicker.
He nudged her and signed, THANK YOU.
Hyacinth stole herself a couple of peanut butter crackers. “I’ll make some more coffee.”
Mordecai stood. “I’ll get you a blanket, Milo. Then I might as well get started on dinner. How do you feel about tuna noodle casserole? I always think casserole when it’s depressing out. And something nice and citrusy for dessert…”
Hyacinth slammed the bottle of vitamin C tablets on the counter in front of him.
“No,” he replied, and brushed past her.
When Maggie and Erik returned with ginger ale, and cookies, and candy, and hot chocolates, Milo was bundled up at the table with cookies and Calliope. She’d taken his hair down to dry, and brushed it with the detangling stuff to get all the frizz out. Lucy had been exiled to the dining room with Hyacinth, because she started crying when she couldn’t have four more cookies. Dinner and dessert were in progress, and Mordecai was working alone so he trusted himself not to get them mixed up.
“Aw, man,” Maggie said. “You finished taking care of him without us.”
Milo waved them over. No, no. I got room for more presents. Come over here and have a cookie. If you hate them, too, they’re perfect.
Erik and Maggie did not hate the cookies, but they still had time to grow up and hate them later. Milo was hopeful.
“I am taking applications to wash dishes and peel vegetables, if you two still want to help out,” Mordecai said.
Maggie stood up, “Milo likes the radio! I’ll bring it up!”
Erik ran after her, “Milo likes drawing, I’ll get my crayons!”
“I’ll help you, Em,” Calliope said.
“No, sit down, you’re too cute. Both of you.” He gestured with a spoon. “I’ll observe you like a scenic waterfall.”
Calliope snickered. She slid an arm around Milo and squeezed. “You want hot chocolate first or ginger ale?”
Milo blinked. So this is my life now. Hot chocolate FIRST or ginger ale.
A couple hours ago it was get on the bus and walk home in the rain or… I don’t even know. Stand there feeling sorry for myself?
…which is still an improvement over “drink gutter water or stay thirsty.” You’d think I’d be happy twenty-four/seven, just for being better off than I was. I go up and down, but not that far down anymore.
Ann broke into his thoughts: A couple times, Milo. If we’re going to be honest. But look at all these people you have waiting to help you get back to “hot chocolate first or ginger ale.”
They were super bored, though.
Ann didn’t even have to say anything.
He twitched a smile and covered it. I’m being silly. I know.
He curled in his fingers and signed SMILE, for Calliope.
Then Erik and Maggie came back with crayons and the radio.
◈◈◈
Milo crept out of Room 103 after Lucy and Calliope were asleep. Just one quick piece of lemon cake before Barnaby came down and finished it — if he hadn’t already — and then back to bed. He didn’t need to brush his teeth; if they stopped working, he’d figure out better ones.
He waved out the automatic lights in the front room before they had a chance to come on all the way.
The lights in the kitchen were on already, and they stayed on.
He scowled. Damn it, Barnaby. Now life is depressing again. That’s your fault.
He would’ve just gone back to bed, but he was feeling stubborn. He tiptoed across the dining room. He’d just peek in the kitchen real fast; maybe it was just someone doing the dishes or, fat chance, maybe Barnaby didn’t want all the leftover cake.
I will fight you, Milo thought. He pushed up his glasses and straightened his nightie.
Mordecai was leaning against the sink and sobbing quietly.
Oh, gods, we shouldn’t have left him the dishes, Milo thought.
Milo, that’s not it.
…I’ve got to get changed.
He froze, clutching the doorway. There was a non-zero chance Mordecai shouldn’t be left alone like that.
No. One-hundred-percent. You didn’t run away when someone needed help, there were parables about that. People who “passed by the other side” went straight to Hell.
If he ran away when I gave him that card, I’d have gone back to my closet and I’d still be up there. With no cookies or cake.
Milo approached quietly and put a hand up to touch…
“Go away.”
He froze again.
…This is his closet. He can’t use the one in the bedroom because Erik will hear. He didn’t hand me a card, he’s trying to hide.
I know why, and I’d be mad, too, but I can’t walk off on that, either, can I, Ann?
I don’t know. But you know how he gets and you’re not obligated to take him yelling at you.
Yeah, but I think I can handle it.
He unfroze, it had only been a moment, and put the hand on Mordecai’s shoulder anyway.
The man shuddered and curled lower, like it was too heavy or he was trying to crawl into the sink and hide more. Milo circled him with both arms and tried to hold him up.
“Please go away.” It was very soft.
Milo shook his head. He took one hand back to sign, SORRY.
Mordecai shoved him away. “Don’t do that. I don’t understand that. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…” He was crying again and couldn’t finish.
Milo tugged him towards the table and chairs. It was only a few steps; the kitchen was small. Mordecai was shaking his head, but eventually Milo got him into a chair. He sat slumped and didn’t look up, “I’m sorry. I-I-I’m sorry.”
Milo was shaking his head, but he didn’t think Mordecai saw. The tissue box was still on the table. He set it nearer.
“I don’t want them to see. I can’t keep doing this, but I never want anyone to see. I am never going to be any better than this and it’s my own fault!”
Oh, wow, that is a perfect circle, Milo thought, eyes wide. He should know, because he had experience. Being upset, not wanting help, and being more upset for not wanting help. If somebody didn’t put a stick in the spokes, that sucker was gonna run all night.
Do I have a stick?
Ann…?
Milo, I don’t know. I can’t see him like I see you. It’s like looking at the ocean. There’s things in there. But you can only see the surface.
Why are you trying to scare me? This shouldn’t be hard. Sad people don’t want to be sad anymore, so you make them happy. They want good things and nice people.
Milo, don’t you dare bring more people into this, he doesn’t even want you.
Well, I’m enough nice people anyway.
He stood up. He sliced and plated what was left of the cake — two pieces, nobody had to feel guilty — and put that on the table. He dipped water in a glass pot and hit it up with an instant heating spell. Half went over two tea bags and half went into the coffee maker. He put one tea mug and one coffee mug on the table. Now Mordecai could pick. He found the sugar bowl and put it next to the coffee with a spoon. He threw some more wood in the oven and discovered the blanket from this afternoon folded over the back of a chair. He shook that over Mordecai and closed it in the front like a shawl. There. You’re being taken care of. Anything else? I can make soup! He held up a can.
Mordecai pushed off the blanket and curled away from the table, hiding again. He was shaking his head. He put his face in his hands.
It’s not enough, Milo thought. We don’t have any more cake. How much more does he need? Is the relation of cake to sad linear or exponential? He began pulling out drawers, looking for the kitchen pad, to do math.
Milo. Milo, please! This isn’t… This isn’t cake-sad. You understand?
Ice cream?
No. I know this is scary and hard, but please don’t pretend to be dumber than you are. I can’t fix it for you. I don’t know how either.
Milo sighed and slumped. I just made it worse because he feels like a bad person who doesn’t deserve any nice things and cake. He doesn’t want me to take care of him and he doesn’t want me to see. But I don’t want him like this.
It can’t be about what you want, Milo.
He wants me to leave him alone and I can’t do that either!
Do you really want to be alone when you hide?
Yes. No. He shook his head. No. I want to not feel ashamed on top of everything else. I like you to be there because I know you’re not going to tell me I’m being bad.
Sometimes you forget that and I need to remind you.
Yeah. He sat at the table again and put his head in his hands. But I can’t talk to him!
Maybe you don’t have to talk to not say something, Milo.
◈◈◈
You shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have yelled at him for trying to communicate. That’s hard enough for him as it is and I know that!
But I really can’t understand…
Really? Or did I just want to hurt him? Are you sure? You can’t even tell anymore, can you?
Now he’s going to quit trying and everyone is going to find out what you did and they’re going to be pissed. Ann is going to be pissed, or worse, disappointed. That’s all because I can’t keep my shit together for two minutes and I decided to flip out in the kitchen where anyone might come in instead of telling Hyacinth — like I promised! I obviously do not give a shit about any of my friends and I don’t want to be any better. I obviously…
He knew what was coming and he backed away from it like a hot stove.
No, you don’t. You stop it. You don’t think that. That’s wrong and bad and stupid and you know it, so why don’t you just can it, huh? Why can’t you just stop? Look what you’re doing to Milo!
I don’t want to. I can’t.
He spoke, because if he didn’t come up with something to do other than sit here and be miserable this was never going to end: “Milo, you don’t have to fix me and this isn’t fair to you. I’m sorry for what I said. I can’t deal with you right now but I’m not mad and this is not your fault.” He was already starting to lose it again. He could hear it, that meant Milo could too. “Please just go so I don’t hurt you more, okay?”
He felt an arm go around his shoulders. He shuddered and shook his head, but that didn’t make any difference.
“Please get Hyacinth. This is her mess. She’s going to be mm-mad I didn’t…”
Milo pulled back briefly — for a second he thought he’d stumbled upon the right thing to say — but he didn’t even lift his arm all the way.
Now he was getting a hug. He felt Milo’s head go back and forth above his own.
No?
“There are other people in this house who can take care of me!” he cried. “Don’t you trust me enough to leave me alone for ten seconds?” He clapped a hand over his mouth and went quiet.
Evidently, Milo did not trust him enough to leave him alone for ten seconds.
Yeah, well, maybe he shouldn’t.
He shut his eyes.
He’s just too dumb to understand.
Oh. That’s a real nice way to think about your friends, isn’t it?
I am a worthless person. I only exist to harm others. I have negative worth. It would be better…
“Please go get Hyacinth, I can’t stop thinking I want to die.”
Now he’d done it. He’d just pulled the fire alarm and there was going to be running and screaming whether it was real danger or he’d just overcooked a pan of popcorn on the stove.
Honestly, he was already thinking this was more of a popcorn situation and he was an idiot for even mentioning it, but he couldn’t stop his brain from falling into these deep, dark holes like a drunk with no depth perception, and he had no idea how to leverage it out again. He was just broken.
You might as well get Hyacinth down here to yell at me, that’s as likely to help as anything else.
Milo did not run off to get Hyacinth. He nodded once and reached down to pick up one of Mordecai’s hands from his lap. He squeezed it.
He vividly recalled offering a hand in a similar fashion when the medics said something was really going to hurt. For example: Sorry, we need to debride this wound or it’s never going to heal.
Involuntarily, he braced himself and squeezed back.
Nobody attempted to open him up a little more with a scalpel, but he guessed maybe this hurt enough already.
Milo just held him a little tighter.
Eventually, Mordecai let go of his hand and waved him off. “Okay. Okay. Enough. This is ridiculous.”
Milo let go too. He sat back and shook his head.
“Do you see?” said Mordecai. “Do you see how I mm-mess up my kids?” He began to cry again, but it was hard to tell sobbing from laughing.
Milo took his hand again and shook his head.
“It is messed-up. Why are you still here? Did you even hear what I said?”
Milo nodded.
“I mean the stupid thing about dying. That.”
Milo nodded.
Mordecai sighed, deflating. He took back his hand so he could hide his face with both. “This is just my luck to get the only other suicidal lunatic in the house. This is normal for you, isn’t it?”
Milo bobbed his head from side to side. He shrugged.
“I shouldn’t say things like that. That’s an awful thing to say.”
Milo shook his head and put an arm around him.
“You’re supposed to be fragile. What the hell happened to you?”
Milo pointed at him.
Mordecai looked away. “No. Calliope and Lucy happened to you. Hyacinth happened to you. Hell, Ann happened to you, whatever she is.”
Milo picked the blanket up off the floor. He wrapped up in it and sniffled, just once. He inclined his head towards Mordecai with an expression that was discernibly sarcastic and smug.
“I was peripherally involved in something that happened to you recently,” Mordecai muttered. He pulled out two tissues and used them. “I don’t know anything. I don’t know.”
Milo was sitting there, waiting. He didn’t say anything, but he also didn’t try to get anything else across.
“I can’t even tell you…” He shut his eyes. “I don’t know why, do you know that? It just happens. I wanted to make a casserole and then I didn’t want to do that anymore but I did it anyway because what am I going to do? I’m not going to say I need to stop cooking, I’m sad. That’s stupid. That’s just stupid.
“Sometimes it goes away. This time it didn’t. It’s not a big deal. You know I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t… I can’t leave now. I know I wouldn’t! I just… My brain is broken and I can’t fix it and nobody can fix it, so why should I upset people, huh? I shouldn’t. I don’t want to.
“And that’s wrong. I know that’s wrong. I know how scared Hyacinth was when she found out, but she was mad I didn’t tell her too. That was worse. I should have trusted her. I should have told her.
“Now I’m in here falling apart on you instead. I’m supposed to take care of you. That’s another promise I’ve broken.” He shuddered.
Milo put the blanket around him again. This time he held it closed. He shook his head.
“I’m so broken I can’t even think properly about being broken, that’s what it is.”
Milo nodded and waggled a hand.
“Oh, you think so too?”
Milo let go of the blanket and put up both hands, like Erik asking for a pause. He mimed snapping something in two and pointed to his own head.
“I know. I know…”
He wasn’t done. He traced a flat circle above the table with one finger, around and around. He held the other hand against his ear and frowned, listening. He rolled his eyes and shook his head, bored beyond belief, but he didn’t stop listening. Couldn’t.
“You have headphones on and the record sucks.”
Milo offered him the invisible headphones with a nod.
“No thank you, I have my own set.” He sighed. “But it’s the same shitty record, isn’t it?”
Milo held his fingers a tiny space apart.
“Yeah,” said Mordecai. He picked up the spoon and stirred sugar into the coffee. The sound was familiar, not too loud. Soothing. “I was scared I upset you and made you stop talking. I’ve never seen you talk so much without Calliope and a pencil. Are you okay with that?”
It warranted a shrug.
“Are you okay period?”
That got a twitched half-smile, which Milo covered. He shook his head and shrugged again.
“Me too. I guess that’s why it doesn’t bother you.”
Milo sat down with another cup of coffee and also put sugar in it.
“Oh. I see. I got to pick whether we were going to be up all night or go back to bed. That’s nice of you. This is all very nice, but you don’t have to copy me if you don’t want…”
Milo was gleefully spooning extra sugar into his coffee.
Mordecai snickered weakly. “Yeah, okay.” He rested his head in one hand. He was still stirring the coffee. “I don’t trust feeling even a little bit better.”
Milo pointed at him and nodded. He touched his chest.
“You too? I wish you wouldn’t copy me, but I guess I didn’t do this to you. Maybe it’s just what happens to people. Did you want cake?” There was cake on the table. “Are you here because Cousin Violet punished you for wanting some cake?”
Milo shook his head.
“I think you’re objecting to the phrasing and you do want cake. It’s okay. I don’t know if I will yet, but I want you to have cake. I made you that cake.” He sipped coffee. It was still warm. He didn’t know if Milo did something to it or if it just hadn’t been that long. It didn’t matter. “I thought this would be so much worse than it is. Why can’t I just stop doing that? Why doesn’t it ever stick?”
Milo didn’t know that, either, obviously.
“I don’t think I really want answers. I don’t know what I want.”
Milo nudged a slice of cake subtly towards him.
“Maybe.”
Eventually, they both had some cake, but he pushed most of his slice across the table for Milo to finish.
“I’m sorry. I’m tired and I want to go back to bed. I’m sorry about the coffee.”
Milo shook his head. He made a sign, which Mordecai recognized after a moment’s thought.
“‘Thank you’? What, for coffee and cake? No?” He sighed and waved a hand. “Tell me in the morning, I’ll be better at understanding then. But thank you too.”
It was almost just that Milo trusted him enough to let him go to bed that made him feel like he was over the worst bit and it was going to be okay.
◈◈◈
Late morning, when he woke up, Mordecai found a card soft-stuck to his tissue box. Milo apparently knew he needed to cough first thing when the weather was cold and damp. He collected the card after doing so and read.
M —
I’m sorry, I had to go to work early
but I’ll be back later.
Don’t worry.
Last night was OK and I won’t be too tired.
(And I remembered my rain boots!)
over↺
I don’t think I’m only OK with you because I’m broken, too.
But if that’s what it is, I’m glad I’m broken.
I could only take care of you
because you took care of me.
That’s why I said thank you.
(Don’t worry about dessert.
I’m going to bring home a bunch more cake!)
Mordecai snickered. He crumpled the note and hid it in the wastebasket with the tissues, just in case Erik didn’t know what happened or was willing to pretend he didn’t.
When he stumbled into the kitchen in search of brunch, Hyacinth wanted to know if he and Milo really ate the leftover cake, or if Barnaby was just screwing with her.
“He’s screwing with you,” he said.
She sighed, “Yeah, I figured,” and leaned into the pantry. “You want soup and a sandwich or what?”
He sat at the table for service. “I’ll have a Monte Cristo with frites and a strawberry milkshake.” After a moment spent staring at her irritated expression, totally deadpan, he smiled and allowed, “Or whatever we have is fine.”
